Filed under: Random Ramblings
So it’s been a minute but I really have been processing and evaluating how I use food. I feel like I’m on the edge of something big – bigger than myself – bigger than the weight…something good is coming. Let me rephrase – something good is here.
In the past few weeks I’ve been practicing “being kind to myself” as Geneen Roth says. I have been speaking up, not letting people take advantage, vocalizing my true feelings, and constantly checking in with myself. Seeing what I want – resting when I need to rest, laughing, spending time with great people. Even though life has been crazy (when is it not?) as of late food is just food. Which is strange – but nice. It’s nice to not focus and think about food 100% of the time I’m not actually eating. I like this new place and trust me I still have a long way to go but I could get use to this self kindness.
What about you? What are you up to? How are things in your world?
Filed under: Random Ramblings | Tags: cosmetic fixes, diets, issues, remodeling, update
So after getting into the middle of a “cosmetic” reno – the project became much more involved – much more time-consuming – much more expensive and very inconvenient BUT now that we’re one step away from a new shower (done right!) – it was worth it.
Again all that to say, I find when dealing with issues in my life – in this case why I use food the way do – it almost always ends up being much more than “cosmetic” – it take a lot more energy and effort than I want to put in and takes a lot longer than I planned. It’s better in the long run though – dealing with cosmetic fixes i.e. diets clearly hasn’t worked to date so it’s time to go deeper. There is much work to be done but I’m willing to dig deep and continue pushing through.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bingeing, compassion, deserve, emotional eating, fat, Food
Excercise 24 – My beliefs about binges
1. I believe that – bingeing is my only way to get what I deserve when I’m not getting treated right/fairly/kindly.
A more compassionate belief would be that – even though it may not seem like it – I’m trying to take care of myself in the only way I know how. Rather than using food – perhaps I could use my words and communicate with those I feel are not treating me right.
2. I believe that binges are – impossible to stop, that what the world thinks about me (sloppy, out of control, no willpower) is true and by not being able to stop them it’s more true. I also believe what the diets have taught about my appetite being insatiable.
A more compassionate belief would be that – it’s time to learn new ways to cope and that I can be satisfied with food and life I just need new ways to do it.
3. I believe the reason I binge is – to get what I feel others won’t give me. A way to numb myself from all the trauma I’ve faced. To hide the feelings that are too hard to deal with.
A more compassionate belief would be – Damn lady props to you for surviving all you have and are still semi-sane. Experiencing all you did from birth to moving out at 19 it is no wonder you believe the feelings are too much to deal with.
4. I believe that after a binge, I should – be embarrassed and beat myself up…play the “the world is right” to treat me this was because I’m so fat tape over and over.
A more compassionate belief would be that – I’m trying to tell myself something and I need to figure out what it is. Figure out what set me off and what I need to do to process it.
5. The next time I binge, I am going to be gentle with myself and really ask myself what is going on.
6. On the day after I binge, I am going to be kind to myself and put the binge in perspective. It’s not the end of the world and I need something.
Filed under: Random Ramblings | Tags: being present, bingeing, coping, dealing, Geneen Roth, learing, life
Just today, just in this moment I am at my limit with things that suck AND are out of my control. I won’t get into all the details here but today the “shit hit the fan” if you will.
All week I have been drowning myself in Geneen Roth books, exercises and audio books. I still love and believe in her work but today the section in Women, Food, and God I’m on was too much. It’s the beginning when she discusses not underestimating the urge to bolt and staying present. Well yeah yeah yeah it’s easy to say MUCH harder to do. I don’t want to be present and deal with all this shit – ESPECIALLY when I can’t control any of it. The things I can control, my life, my schedule, my work etc. has gotten completely out of routine and out of whack. I need to be still – be present – just deal.
But I’m still in that beginning part of learning how. So in an attempt to learn I’m pulling out all the resources I have at once and bingeing.
Tomorrow will be better.
Filed under: Why Weight Workbook
So as I was driving around today doing a million things – I began thinking about why its taking me so long to finish this itty bitty work book. I almost went into berating self talk about how I never finished anything like this before so why would I this time…and then I STOPPED.
I have put a lot A LOT of really personal really difficult traumatic stuff out there. Writing all of this out, the exercises I have completed so far have brought up painful events. So my self hate rant turned into a pat on the back session. I am proud of myself that I HAVEN’T given up. That even though sometimes reading the next exercise brings anxiety and all sorts of uncomfortable feelings – I’m still doing it.
So without further adieu…
Exercise 22 – What where you deprived of?
As a child I felt deprived of SAFETY.
As an adolescent I felt deprived of NORMALCY, FEELINGS
As I got older I felt deprived of ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE
Now I feel deprived of BALANCE, PEACE, TRUTH, SAFETY, STABILITY
Exercise 23 – I keep myself deprived by…
– keeping drama filled people at a close enough distance to keep chaos going
– being overly grateful when people do the things they should do
– giving too much, too often
– keep my true feelings to myself or avoiding them completely so I don’t even know what they are
– not buying clothes when I need them or other basic necessities
– over committing
– taking responsibility for things that are none of my business or responsibility
– getting involved with people with no healthy boundaries
– restricting myself with money, then “bingeing” with credit or overextending myself
– keep unhealthy relationship that I know I should cut off
With what everyone else thinks. Let me digress for a moment away from the workbook to tell you how this realization hit me tonight.
I had to return something at Walmart (which is another rant all by itself but anyway) I go to customer service and was greeted by an obese person. She had frizzy unkept hair pulled back in ponytail, giant bifocal glasses, looked unshowered, clothes all a mess – wrinkly.
She begins rambling off random facts about herself such as the fact she keeps her cell phone on a lanyard as well as her digital camera and video camera. She explained that she never had been on vacation but if she ever goes that she would look mighty strange with all of her electronics dangling around her neck. She then went on to say it was her birthday.
I am waiting at the counter, wishing this sad stranger a happy birthday and wishing to god she would hurry up. As she is sharing all of these details I am watching her – staring her down. And the thought crosses my mind – GOOD GOD I hope people don’t think the things I’m thinking when they see me. Which led to many thoughts of why I wasn’t like the birthday cashier and in what ways I was. Then I thought how sad to have to solicit birthday wishes from complete strangers and again went into not ever wanting to be “that person”.
Why can’t my mind stop EVER? Who cares about what everyone else thinks – clearly the birthday cashier didn’t care about what I thought or anyone else for that matter. Anyway – do you do this? Am I the only one?
Happy Birthday Walmart Cashier – I hope you go on vacation someday and wear your electronics proudly!